Skip to main content

Football is boring

I need to gromble about football. It's boring! Having just slept through my second 90 minute England game, I've discovered a way to make the experience marginally more bearable. Live pause the programme, and play at double speed after about an hour of pause. Many advantages:
  • You get no sound. No bloody vuvuwhatevers (sounds like your living rooms been attacked by bees). No pratt telling you 'if only they'd score more goals, they'd be winning'. No loud-mouthed lout on the pitch giving the ref a hard time. No gum-chewing expletives from an overpaid foreign manager on the sidelines.
  • No ads... fast forward even faster through them. Even the one that flashed on our screen during England's only goal against the USA. Brilliant timing! 
  • No wankers at half time lolling about on sofas telling us who's having a good or bad game (we can bloody see for ourselves).
  • And most importantly, the players look a lot more skillful while the ball itself travels FASTER. At normal speed, the ball takes forever to get to the next player, who then either passes backwards (really boring), forwards, sideways or gets tackled. If you add up all the seconds of proper excitement in a normal game (England at a world cup game produce none), you probably get about a minute - max. That means 89 minutes of excruciatingly boring passing stuff - now compressed to a slightly less painful 45 minutes.
So why is footie so damn boring. Well firstly it was invented with too few rules. There's nothing to think about:
  • Use your foot to kick the ball, not someone else
  • Kick it into a goal more often than the others
  • Don't get (and this does, I admit, verge on complexity) offside
Now I'm a rugby fanatic (rich source of future grombles by the way). Rugby is for intellectuals. It has an infinite number of rules. No-one understands them all and new ones are invented at random all the time. People with huge brains, called referees, decide whether any have been broken - and people get to hit each other really hard - legally! Plus you get scores like 65-24 and usually decent beer to drink at the grounds. Good sausages and chips too. I've just watched 90 minutes of England drawing 0-0 with Algeria (Algeria! Famous for terrorists and dates). Had this been a club game, chances are I would be writing this from a hospital bed nursing multiple stab wounds having fallen asleep on an opposition supporter's shoulder, and a wallet lighter by hundreds of pounds (well a lot more than a premiership rugby game costs to watch live).

Now I'm not arguing that footie doesn't require great athleticism, or that a few goals are truly amazing feats of genius. But oh how rarely we see them. And once you've seen one 6-packed player (bastard show-off) expertly trap and kick a ball past an opponent, why hang around to watch another do the same thing? Pass forward, pass back, pass sideways, pass, pass, pass, shoot, miss. Pass forwards,....

Sorry - Football is boring, except for the bits that aren't, and there aren't enough of them to keep me awake. Pause and fast forward... it's the only way.


Popular posts from this blog

Phillips screws - yes I'm angry about them too

Don't get me wrong. They're a brilliant invention to assist automation and prevent screwdrivers from slipping off screw heads - damaging furniture, paintwork and fingers in the process. Interestingly they weren't invented by Mr Phillips at all, but by a John P Thompson who sold Mr P the idea after failing to commercialise it. Mr P, on the otherhand, quickly succeeded where Mr T had failed. Incredible isn't it. You don't just need a good idea, you need a great salesman and, more importantly, perfect timing to make a success out of something new. Actually, it would seem, he did two clever things (apart from buying the rights). He gave the invention to GM to trial. No-brainer #1. After it was adopted by the great GM, instead of trying to become their sole supplier of Phillips screws, he sold licenses to every other screw manufacturer in the world. A little of a lot is worth a great deal more than a lot of a little + vulnerability (watch out Apple!). My gromble is abo

Introducing Product Relationship Management - it's what customers want.

Most businesses these days have Customer Relationship Management (CRM) systems which store and process vasts amounts of information about us. They use this information to generate communications, amongst other things, which target us to buy their products and services. CRM is all about how a business relates to its customers: Past (keeping them loyal through aftersales and service), Present (helping them buy through bricks and clicks channels) and Future (prospecting). Most businesses will at some stage have declared themselves 'customer-centric'. They will probably have drawn diagrams on whiteboards that look something like these: But there's a problem with this whole approach of keeping the customer at the centre of your world and the focal point for everything you do. Is it what the customer wants ? Of course companies who ignore their customers eventually go out of business. And those who treat their customers well, tend to thrive. But is it really in the best inte

The Secrets of Hacker Golf

Social media is awash with professional golfers selling video training courses to help you perfect your swing, gain 50 yards on your drive and cut your handicap. They might help a few desperate souls, but the rest of us hackers already know everything we need to complete a round of golf without worrying the handicap committee or appearing on a competition winner's list. What those pros don't realise is that for us hacking golfers who very occasionally hit shots that if you hadn't seen how they were hit, end up where the pros might have put them, we already know everything we need to know - and more. Unlike pros who know how to time the perfect swing in order to caress a ball 350 yards down the centre of a fairway, we hackers need to assemble a far wider set of skills and know-how to complete 18 holes, about which pros have no comprehension, need, or desire to learn. Here are some of them: Never select your shot until after you've hit it. A variation on this is to alway