They say one of the secrets of a good marriage is never being bored by your partner. During the course of our marriage I have been collecting what are largely a series of my wife's mixed metaphors which might normally slip by unnoticed, but which for some reason, don't quite sound right. After a double take I realise their genius and jot them down. Some are not mixed metaphors but actually malapropisms, spoonerisms, or delightful figures of speech all of their own. The joy is that her mind works so fast, she finds and combines two figures of speech in the time most of us might struggle for one. But the best talent of all is to throw caution to the wind and launch them into the world whether they have ever been uttered before or not - and especially whether they are physically possible or not. The result is a magical combination of ideas that are far more evocative than either of the original sayings, as well as being more meaningful and infinitely more colourful than the underlying cliches. See if you can work out what they were meant to be:
Doesn't stop them punching at the big table
They've cancelled the ATM tour
Val Doonican. You know, the bloke who wrote those books about aliens
You've got to scatter the net
You're going to have to kill your baby
Once the genie is out of the box...
Sometimes it's not always well known
It makes your tears prick in the back of your eyes
We've been nasal gazing
It's a complete fuck storm
Who was there that you didn't know?
We walked in off the blue
We missed it because it hasn't happened yet
It's going to be nerve biting
It's as calm as a cucumber out there
Can I Hotpoint off you
We're in the eye before the storm
Is there a dog in dougal the magic roundabout
You can't have it all for the goose and not for the gander
It's the frog in the bath water
I hate being left footed (she meant wrong footed)
But never the twain should mix
I'm ready with all systems blazing
You've got several hands in lots of pies
I tore a strip out of her
Don't be a stuck in the mud
I'll pop round and knock on your bell
You don't have to stuff your boots
We don't have liquid ice (it was dry ice)
Don't over-stretch the mark
He has his 5 minute claim to fame
Stand up and take the buck in the face
Put the demistifier on
We just squeeze the people until the pips pop.
I had my cherry well and truly broken
She doesn't push it down your face
You're milking the gravy train
I really enjoyed driving the grand cornichon
This one is a bit tried and untested
You know how many hoops you have to cross
We struck out lucky today
You've got to pour water over troubled oil
It's fairly self obvious
What does UHM stand for? Oh yes. Uhm.
He's standing on the fence
I played out of my socks yesterday
What's that film with the chalet girl oh yes, Chalet Girl
They're going there without their own steam
It's a stroke of inspiration
Quiet waters run deep
You're going to find one that's impossible to find
It's a well honed machine
We're going to the doldrums
We're quids out by a few pounds
I'd like to raise a toast
He's signed her death knell
We're hotpointing our phones for WiFi
He's on slippery ground
The mole has turned
Are those glasses transgender?
Before I forget I've forgotten to post your keys
It's a slippery wicket
They're a tall act to follow
They teach you how to get out of cufflinks
You were snoring like a trooper
For a passport picture you need your face off your head
You're rocking the apple cart
It seems non common sensical
It never always works
That'll get the cogs ticking
I'm in with the know
She'll be a big wig in a small pond
They'll want his blood in stone
I need a red shit hot lawyer
Instead of walk and walk we can park and park
You had to jump through massive hoops
That's us off the loop
Hilary Clinton didn't go to the rust bucket states
She hit her head against a brick ceiling
Shall I order one geese or two goose?
She's a pig in clover
I'm the font that keeps on giving
You've got your antenna to the ground
It will put a spanner in the spokes
It's as good as dammit
Good news is no news
You can't have too many ducks in a row
He was a fish out of place
You've opened the genie now
You're living on thin ice
It's as smooth as it comes
Fill me with chocolate and feed me to the lions
I'm just thinking behind the box
She got in the hump
You're not going to bulldoze this over me
Don't dampen my parade
It all becomes a vicious spiral
You need to know where your bread and butter is
There's lies, lies and damn statistics
Ideally you've got to die in your sleep on the golf course
She falls asleep in front of the sofa
My diesel is an emission guzzler
The house is very dirty but at least it's clean
Its a Russian lottery. You never know what you'll get
It's working now but it constantly goes off
You've got a Brazilian cleaner? I'm desperate for a Brazilian
We'll all be wiser off
You're throwing the baby out of the bath
All the shit's broken loose
I need them for the chicken coronation
You haven't even touched the surface
It's all been changed on its head
Are we throwing all the stops out?
Just keep on cracking
They're not carved in black and white
I'm not going to spite my nose to cut off my face
All we'll be doing is biting off our noses
I discovered I've got a swimming costume I didn't have
They do everything. They're very specialised.
He's got a full head of wind in his sails
The whole thing shit the fan
What's that parcel force called? Oh yes, parcelforce.
It's caught it in the bud
I've brought your onesie stick
You'll have another think coming
There is an epidemic of seaweed
You have to do it all above the books
It's a huge little enclave
Not a touch shall pass my lips
The average time in a home is 18 months maximum
It's a slippery wedge
They blighted their copybook
It's been and happened
You're skating on broken ice
It's out of the beaten way
You've got to hold your guns
He's got to whistle it down to seven choices
He is built like a brick house
It was her last swansong
It's all gone tit-shape
I'll be thrilled to pieces
It's the deafness of silence you've got to consider
He rustles it together
You need to wait until the penny's clicked
You could triple the number by five
Let's kickstart the ball
It was very tense. You could have cut the ice with a knife.
It's an escalator pitch
You've got to take the bullet
It's a little like 'are you being framed'
The team who are behind at the end usually lose
You don't want to get a train to St Pancreas
You'll be sharp as a button
You can even dive with humpback sharks
It wasn't just the alcohol it was smoking the hooker that did the damage
They ruled it down to three options
There's always people who don't turn up at the last minute
It's cock about arse
They really had to trawl the barrel for that one
They're not the brightest tools in the box
He was named after the Joshua Tree by YouTube
They left 29 passengers off the manifesto
That was a stroke of inspiration
You'll have even more less reason to eat
I can't wait for him to sing with the archipelago group.
I was out like a log
Are all the seats ticketless?... No. Are all the seats seatless?... No. Are all the seats unallocated?
What's that disease you get if you don't have a tetanus jab?
He whispered it into their breath
Then job's your uncle
I'm tossing with the idea of ordering mushrooms
Don't throw the baby out of the pram water
There's no need to throw the bath out with the bath water
That's the way the genes crumble
You're no older than you were 4 years ago
Some had their limbs decapitated
You're innocent until presumed guilty
All those Swedish people visiting their Dachaus.
It doesn't make any difference if you take them before or after food as long as you take them before you eat.
You need to have PhDs coming out of your arm
We were shitting each other for ten minutes
It says what it does on the tin
It was a trial by death
Do they use flour improvers to stop the weasels getting in?
He seems to be pulling his socks out
Jerry's breathing down my ear
That will go down in the anals of history
Surely they will subvert the train to a different route
I'll avoid it like a barge pole
The wind is from the south so the sun-break won't make any difference
See, mister whiter than thou
At the drop of a whim
They signed their own death knell
That fills the spot
You're making a meal out of a molehill
They'll be spitting kittens tonight
He held a flame for her for years
We can chalk that down
Don't listen to what you hear
She was so poor she didn't have two sticks to rub together
He tried to hush it under the carpet
You've scuppered your books (which she then corrected to) You've scuppered your copybook.
Don't just sit there like a stuffed lemon
It's a load off her chest
It's a bottomless cheque
It's a quick whistle tour
You've got the patience of a gnat
Don't jump off your high horse
No decision yet, the verdicts out
You're skating on dodgy ground
She's dropped out of the woodwork
Nick clegg is a one man horse
If we play our fingers right ....
And job's your uncle
Don't eat with your mouth full
He doesn't hold any punches
She scraped in comfortably
My mother was occupied in Holland
You have to buy an off the package shelf
So before you jump down your high horse
This a funny time of weather
We need to do some judicial planning
I'm not a stick in the wall
You've got to grasp the metal while it's strong
They were turning their noses down at it
You have to sit back and bite your tongue
She's running close to the wind
You can count them on the hand of one finger
You're not such a pretty face
They've stabbed themselves in the foot
You can tick this off the box of things you've done
Psychology is a piece of doddle
He was prepared to shake the house and see where the cards fell
I'll see that when I believe it.
It's a bit dangerous going off getting killed.
The men will have eyes sticking out of their stalks
She's blown her boats as far as her chances are concerned
He'll just have to buckle down next year
The only stick in the ointment is that the train isn't running
I'm as fit as an ox
They know which side their corruption is buttered.
They're off to Majorca at the crack of a hat
There are more photo opportunities than you can shake a cat at
Vince cable is a very sharp cookie
You've got to make split decisions what to do
The pilot failed to ejaculate in time
Were you bareback yachting?
I'm now quids even
Surrey uni is my old haunting ground
He'll be shaking a few heads together
It's got an aromatic taste
We've got to go to Argentina to see the grouchos
I want to sail around turkey in a gulag
She wasn't on the same radar
Can you fast forwards it backwards?
We'll have to have some of that leakie cock soup
Or what about smoked Arbroath
He'll make an absolute arm and a leg out of it
You've crossed your Is and dotted your Ts
The queen twits
That ticks all the bills
I've shot the warning bow
I want my golf swing compared with Jack Nicholson's
He was so gay he was swinging from both ends
It was the guinea pig that was doing it. You know that bloke on Top Gear
That's lined up her duck
So what have you bought for my delicatessen?
I want you to put your thinking caps together
You've unleashed the floodgates
They arrived mob-fisted
I love that luminous light
Angelica is made from monks
There's only one snag in the ointment
That motorcyclist nearly died a death
They're at least in pairs if not in twos
It's like water out of a stone
You've done more than beyond
He had his head decapitated
It's clear as black and day
It's the last and final one
I'm going to be out of capacity for a while
That's a recipe waiting for a disaster
They pulled out all the red stops
Do you realise we've been married longer than I've lived
Did they pre-book in advance?
It was surrounded on two sides
Any restaurant worth its gold
We broke the bulk of the journey
They'll be demanding pounds of blood
It gladdens the cockles of your heart
It's as still as a pancake
This is her old haunting ground
That tennis player is unseedless
Is it the acrylic alphabet?
Val Doonican wrote books about visitors from outer space
You can count it on one arm
It's a huge string to her bow
We're five years older than each other
It rings a big red flag
He's got difficult shoes to follow
You're on a slippery wicket
The means justify the ends
We've been dealt an amazing deck of hands
You put that seed in me
When you're hungry, food is fantastic
We've misaligned you
He thinks he can drop everything at a hat
We are going to undismantle it
I'm not going to break a gut
We've done Avy Isia
They could have a clean broom
I've broken the lucky duck
The Bayeaux tapestry is very moth balled
Is it quicker to dismantle than to mantle?
They make a rod for themselves
Sometimes it's better not to spin it and call an egg an egg
£60 is not going to break the boat
It's slippery out there like an ice bath
He'll be chuffed to pieces
I'm going to say it off the hoof
We're back to catch 21
It fell down like a flat balloon
Get off your high box
I've now been married for longer than I've been alive
I'm holding my powder
It's a third world problem
They were always on the backward foot
You've got to earfence a couple of weeks
I'm very positively negative
Those are very mingy portions
They're creaming it in
That's put a scupper in the works
They've shot themselves in the proverbial hole
She's getting a bit above her boots
Don't risk the duck of bad luck
They're banging against an open door
You can weed out the chaf from the wheat
It's like pulling hen's teeth
I didn't want to dampen her parade
There are too many people in the rat run
They talk in anacronyms
You've broken the bubble
They've all got tattoos, half of them
It was a stroke of inspiration
That's the next hurdle to cross
You don't notice it until you notice it
Complacency comes before a fall
They've done a job deal
He's playing out of his socks
One of us is going to die at some point
They fleece the leaseholders dry
If it's not worth doing it's worth doing well
I will look like mutton dressed as mutton
She would needle away at it like a terrier
It's been a short whistle tour
You've got to wean yourself into these things
I'm thinking of this off the box
I don't trust her with a barge pole
He went tit over arse
You'll be as fat as a pancake
That's a thin end of the stick
One of the first signs of death is walking slowly
I'm not going to frog leap over the clinically vulnerable
They're punching over their heads
They're up to their earballs in stuff
She'll be divorced faster than you can swing a cat
It's totally off your league
There's squat diddly going on
Have you whittled your best man down yet
He got cast out of the wilderness
The genie is out of the bag
He woke up dead the next day
Bite the dust and go for it
I'm chuffed to pieces
I don't want to ruin her thunder
Nice but no banana
Cheers or bonsai as they say in Japan
I wouldn't trust him if I threw him against a barge pole
What happened to the container that goes inside the machine? Oh, it's inside the machine.
The match was a bit of a walk off
Their scores were off the roof
He furrows his own path
They've gone all Godzilla. They're very religious.
They're selling before they're even sold
Would you like it if I got a heart attack, an algorithm?
You know what they say: complacency comes before a fall.
We have to button down the hatches
That's ok unless she obscunds
That's one for the goose and one for the gander
That's a tall ask
They looked their noses down at them
Is this a bubble that's going to crash?
I don't want a double pronged sword
It's all gone tit shaped
That's a well bodied wine
She's got tough shoes to follow
Technically she has put all her eggs into him
She was going to commit kamikaze
The shitstorm hit the fan
A lot of them all loved it
I was mercifully teasedDoesn't stop them punching at the big table
They've cancelled the ATM tour
Val Doonican. You know, the bloke who wrote those books about aliens
You've got to scatter the net
You're going to have to kill your baby
Once the genie is out of the box...
Sometimes it's not always well known
It makes your tears prick in the back of your eyes
We've been nasal gazing
It's a complete fuck storm
Who was there that you didn't know?
We walked in off the blue
We missed it because it hasn't happened yet
It's going to be nerve biting
It's as calm as a cucumber out there
Can I Hotpoint off you
We're in the eye before the storm
Is there a dog in dougal the magic roundabout
You can't have it all for the goose and not for the gander
It's the frog in the bath water
I hate being left footed (she meant wrong footed)
But never the twain should mix
I'm ready with all systems blazing
You've got several hands in lots of pies
I tore a strip out of her
Don't be a stuck in the mud
I'll pop round and knock on your bell
You don't have to stuff your boots
We don't have liquid ice (it was dry ice)
Don't over-stretch the mark
He has his 5 minute claim to fame
Stand up and take the buck in the face
Put the demistifier on
We just squeeze the people until the pips pop.
I had my cherry well and truly broken
She doesn't push it down your face
You're milking the gravy train
I really enjoyed driving the grand cornichon
This one is a bit tried and untested
You know how many hoops you have to cross
We struck out lucky today
You've got to pour water over troubled oil
It's fairly self obvious
What does UHM stand for? Oh yes. Uhm.
He's standing on the fence
I played out of my socks yesterday
What's that film with the chalet girl oh yes, Chalet Girl
They're going there without their own steam
It's a stroke of inspiration
Quiet waters run deep
You're going to find one that's impossible to find
It's a well honed machine
We're going to the doldrums
We're quids out by a few pounds
I'd like to raise a toast
He's signed her death knell
We're hotpointing our phones for WiFi
He's on slippery ground
The mole has turned
Are those glasses transgender?
Before I forget I've forgotten to post your keys
It's a slippery wicket
They're a tall act to follow
They teach you how to get out of cufflinks
You were snoring like a trooper
For a passport picture you need your face off your head
You're rocking the apple cart
It seems non common sensical
It never always works
That'll get the cogs ticking
I'm in with the know
She'll be a big wig in a small pond
They'll want his blood in stone
I need a red shit hot lawyer
Instead of walk and walk we can park and park
You had to jump through massive hoops
That's us off the loop
Hilary Clinton didn't go to the rust bucket states
She hit her head against a brick ceiling
Shall I order one geese or two goose?
She's a pig in clover
I'm the font that keeps on giving
You've got your antenna to the ground
It will put a spanner in the spokes
It's as good as dammit
Good news is no news
You can't have too many ducks in a row
He was a fish out of place
You've opened the genie now
You're living on thin ice
It's as smooth as it comes
Fill me with chocolate and feed me to the lions
I'm just thinking behind the box
She got in the hump
You're not going to bulldoze this over me
Don't dampen my parade
It all becomes a vicious spiral
You need to know where your bread and butter is
There's lies, lies and damn statistics
Ideally you've got to die in your sleep on the golf course
She falls asleep in front of the sofa
My diesel is an emission guzzler
The house is very dirty but at least it's clean
Its a Russian lottery. You never know what you'll get
It's working now but it constantly goes off
You've got a Brazilian cleaner? I'm desperate for a Brazilian
We'll all be wiser off
You're throwing the baby out of the bath
All the shit's broken loose
I need them for the chicken coronation
You haven't even touched the surface
It's all been changed on its head
Are we throwing all the stops out?
Just keep on cracking
They're not carved in black and white
I'm not going to spite my nose to cut off my face
All we'll be doing is biting off our noses
I discovered I've got a swimming costume I didn't have
They do everything. They're very specialised.
He's got a full head of wind in his sails
The whole thing shit the fan
What's that parcel force called? Oh yes, parcelforce.
It's caught it in the bud
I've brought your onesie stick
You'll have another think coming
There is an epidemic of seaweed
You have to do it all above the books
It's a huge little enclave
Not a touch shall pass my lips
The average time in a home is 18 months maximum
It's a slippery wedge
They blighted their copybook
It's been and happened
You're skating on broken ice
It's out of the beaten way
You've got to hold your guns
He's got to whistle it down to seven choices
He is built like a brick house
It was her last swansong
It's all gone tit-shape
I'll be thrilled to pieces
It's the deafness of silence you've got to consider
He rustles it together
You need to wait until the penny's clicked
You could triple the number by five
Let's kickstart the ball
It was very tense. You could have cut the ice with a knife.
It's an escalator pitch
You've got to take the bullet
It's a little like 'are you being framed'
The team who are behind at the end usually lose
You don't want to get a train to St Pancreas
You'll be sharp as a button
You can even dive with humpback sharks
It wasn't just the alcohol it was smoking the hooker that did the damage
They ruled it down to three options
There's always people who don't turn up at the last minute
It's cock about arse
They really had to trawl the barrel for that one
They're not the brightest tools in the box
He was named after the Joshua Tree by YouTube
They left 29 passengers off the manifesto
That was a stroke of inspiration
You'll have even more less reason to eat
I can't wait for him to sing with the archipelago group.
I was out like a log
Are all the seats ticketless?... No. Are all the seats seatless?... No. Are all the seats unallocated?
What's that disease you get if you don't have a tetanus jab?
He whispered it into their breath
Then job's your uncle
I'm tossing with the idea of ordering mushrooms
Don't throw the baby out of the pram water
There's no need to throw the bath out with the bath water
That's the way the genes crumble
You're no older than you were 4 years ago
Some had their limbs decapitated
You're innocent until presumed guilty
All those Swedish people visiting their Dachaus.
It doesn't make any difference if you take them before or after food as long as you take them before you eat.
You need to have PhDs coming out of your arm
We were shitting each other for ten minutes
It says what it does on the tin
It was a trial by death
Do they use flour improvers to stop the weasels getting in?
He seems to be pulling his socks out
Jerry's breathing down my ear
That will go down in the anals of history
Surely they will subvert the train to a different route
I'll avoid it like a barge pole
The wind is from the south so the sun-break won't make any difference
See, mister whiter than thou
At the drop of a whim
They signed their own death knell
That fills the spot
You're making a meal out of a molehill
They'll be spitting kittens tonight
He held a flame for her for years
We can chalk that down
Don't listen to what you hear
She was so poor she didn't have two sticks to rub together
He tried to hush it under the carpet
You've scuppered your books (which she then corrected to) You've scuppered your copybook.
Don't just sit there like a stuffed lemon
It's a load off her chest
It's a bottomless cheque
It's a quick whistle tour
You've got the patience of a gnat
Don't jump off your high horse
No decision yet, the verdicts out
You're skating on dodgy ground
She's dropped out of the woodwork
Nick clegg is a one man horse
If we play our fingers right ....
And job's your uncle
Don't eat with your mouth full
He doesn't hold any punches
She scraped in comfortably
My mother was occupied in Holland
You have to buy an off the package shelf
So before you jump down your high horse
This a funny time of weather
We need to do some judicial planning
I'm not a stick in the wall
You've got to grasp the metal while it's strong
They were turning their noses down at it
You have to sit back and bite your tongue
She's running close to the wind
You can count them on the hand of one finger
You're not such a pretty face
They've stabbed themselves in the foot
You can tick this off the box of things you've done
Psychology is a piece of doddle
He was prepared to shake the house and see where the cards fell
I'll see that when I believe it.
It's a bit dangerous going off getting killed.
The men will have eyes sticking out of their stalks
She's blown her boats as far as her chances are concerned
He'll just have to buckle down next year
The only stick in the ointment is that the train isn't running
I'm as fit as an ox
They know which side their corruption is buttered.
They're off to Majorca at the crack of a hat
There are more photo opportunities than you can shake a cat at
Vince cable is a very sharp cookie
You've got to make split decisions what to do
The pilot failed to ejaculate in time
Were you bareback yachting?
I'm now quids even
Surrey uni is my old haunting ground
He'll be shaking a few heads together
It's got an aromatic taste
We've got to go to Argentina to see the grouchos
I want to sail around turkey in a gulag
She wasn't on the same radar
Can you fast forwards it backwards?
We'll have to have some of that leakie cock soup
Or what about smoked Arbroath
He'll make an absolute arm and a leg out of it
You've crossed your Is and dotted your Ts
The queen twits
That ticks all the bills
I've shot the warning bow
I want my golf swing compared with Jack Nicholson's
He was so gay he was swinging from both ends
It was the guinea pig that was doing it. You know that bloke on Top Gear
That's lined up her duck
So what have you bought for my delicatessen?
I want you to put your thinking caps together
You've unleashed the floodgates
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